The Real Me Diary – "Truth about me"

by Miss Thirsty

Today I felt really messed up. That’s what I feel like most of the time, just messed up. I find myself being my own bully, teasing myself.  Calling myself dumb, fat, ordinary, stupid, or not worth anybody’s time. I convince myself that is what I am, because I think that what I have done calls for it.  But is that the truth about me?  I can lie to myself all day long, but lies are not truth. Well, what is truth then? What am I really? I don’t even know. I realize that my mind can blow my feelings out of proportion, so maybe those things that I feel and believe are not as real as I picture them. How do I find this truth?  Who can clearly see the real me?  Who, besides me, can know every part of my heart? Even with that, how do I finally allow myself to see me as I truly am?

Psalm 147:5
Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.

1 John 3:19-20
By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything

Ephesians 5:1
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

The Real Me Diary - "Paralyzing Perfection"

by Miss Thirsty 

Why do I feel like I have to be perfect?  Never showing the struggle, or pain, or desire for love? There is a pain in my heart and I am not as I seem, but why is there this paralyzing fear that if anybody knew, I would get hurt?  It is built in me to, deeply and powerfully, to fear judgment and failure.  Would people still want to be around me if they saw and experienced the real me?  Could anybody love this person who hides herself?  Would people really love me if I opened up? These things are to be feared but to what extent? To the extent that I am paralyzed?  Really, maybe I should not have that level of a fear when I come to the real me.  Instead of a good fear, perhaps it has turned into a bad fear. Wait. Are there others like me with their soul silently screaming?  I find myself feeling like I am the only one but is that really true? Perhaps It is like a Masquerade, where everyone wants to have their identity known, but doesn’t want to be the first to take their mask off.  How much would I be freed if I choose not to not to hide.  Would it really be that bad? Could I really find freedom from this fear and let go?  Knowing and doing are two very different things.  If I did open up, would I be loved? Is there anyone who could love the real me? And when will I stop trying to be perfect?

Sincerely,

Miss Thirsty

Ecclesiastes 7:20 - For [there is] not a just man upon earth, that doeth good, and sinneth not.

Romans 3:23 - for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

Hebrews 12:2 - Looking to Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God

1 John 4:10 - In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins

The Real Me Diary - "My Masks"

by Miss Thirsty

I feel empty yet full at the same time. Sad yet totally ok, and buried. People see me and don’t see the real me. I am torn because, half of me says they don’t care, and would be shocked with what they find. But the other half says I can’t stay like this much longer otherwise

I

Will

Break

Down.    

When you first see my life, you would see my “Good heart.” Sweet, kind, generous. Partly, this is true, but it is not whole. If I ever showed you the not so nice side of me, I would completely freak. I am a performer meaning some of what you see is fake. Not all, but some. My heart doesn’t ooze with love. So why should anybody love me. I don’t always love you. I hate it but it is the truth. I want to be Godly and read my Bible every day and pray every day, and have it all together every day. I am the “amazing” Girl everyone should love me because I AM NEVER BROKEN. Wrong. In my heart there is so much pain and brokenness that I will never let you see because I NEED to have it together. I fear being broken but I am more broken than I can express. Something that might be a bit more obvious is my beauty. Love is something I desperately desire, so I think, “Maybe if they love me for my outside, then they will find me and maybe love the real me.” What a fool I am. The outside isn’t always worth wanting and a person who care about the outside might never care about the inside.  This is the real me. All the time I feel empty because no one cares to find or wants to see the real me. Now yes I know that not true but it is how I feel. And I can’t stop because if I do, I fear my shame. Shame from others but mostly from me. Secretly I don’t like who I am which is why put on my stupid mask. It’s plastic, fake, and cheap, but it is defiantly better than the face behind it. I am a bomb. Quietly counting the second till I blow up. But there is no reason anyone should care. What I really want is someone who will find me. To love me even when I hate myself. Always be there so I can break down and never fear of falling. Is there such a person? Anyone who could love the real me?

Sincerely,

Miss Thirsty

Isaiah 62:5 - For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.

Psalm 147:3 - He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

John 15:13 - Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.