The Real Me Diary - "My Masks"

by Miss Thirsty

I feel empty yet full at the same time. Sad yet totally ok, and buried. People see me and don’t see the real me. I am torn because, half of me says they don’t care, and would be shocked with what they find. But the other half says I can’t stay like this much longer otherwise

I

Will

Break

Down.    

When you first see my life, you would see my “Good heart.” Sweet, kind, generous. Partly, this is true, but it is not whole. If I ever showed you the not so nice side of me, I would completely freak. I am a performer meaning some of what you see is fake. Not all, but some. My heart doesn’t ooze with love. So why should anybody love me. I don’t always love you. I hate it but it is the truth. I want to be Godly and read my Bible every day and pray every day, and have it all together every day. I am the “amazing” Girl everyone should love me because I AM NEVER BROKEN. Wrong. In my heart there is so much pain and brokenness that I will never let you see because I NEED to have it together. I fear being broken but I am more broken than I can express. Something that might be a bit more obvious is my beauty. Love is something I desperately desire, so I think, “Maybe if they love me for my outside, then they will find me and maybe love the real me.” What a fool I am. The outside isn’t always worth wanting and a person who care about the outside might never care about the inside.  This is the real me. All the time I feel empty because no one cares to find or wants to see the real me. Now yes I know that not true but it is how I feel. And I can’t stop because if I do, I fear my shame. Shame from others but mostly from me. Secretly I don’t like who I am which is why put on my stupid mask. It’s plastic, fake, and cheap, but it is defiantly better than the face behind it. I am a bomb. Quietly counting the second till I blow up. But there is no reason anyone should care. What I really want is someone who will find me. To love me even when I hate myself. Always be there so I can break down and never fear of falling. Is there such a person? Anyone who could love the real me?

Sincerely,

Miss Thirsty

Isaiah 62:5 - For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.

Psalm 147:3 - He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

John 15:13 - Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.